To Anton Hagan, regarding “5 Reasons Why Bisexuals Cannot Be Taken Seriously”

via 5 Reasons Why Bisexuals Cannot Be Taken Seriously.

On October 16, 2015 the website “Return of Kings” published an article by Anton Hagan, while I doubt he, or any of his cohorts in the manosphere, will ever read or listen to what I’m saying I did feel the need to respond with an open letter.  So, Mr. Hagan, this is for you.

Dear Biphobe.

Before I address your numbered “reasons” I did want to point out that you obviously didn’t think about how your opening sounded

The topic of bisexuality keeps cropping up time and time again. It’s constantly rammed down our throats

Did you really think you should talk about things being “rammed down your throat” would be the best way to start an article where you claim there is something wrong with bisexuality?  Because if you like that I’m sure there are lots of guys on Grinder for you.

I read that and knew I had to say something, feel free to skip that and move on to my responses to your “5 reasons”

1.You claim that biphobia doesn’t exist

I’ll skip the part where you say homophobia isn’t rampant, and move on to the bit where you say

There has been extremely little evidence in history which suggests that bisexuals have been more severely treated than homosexuals and heterosexuals.

Really? You think that bisexuals have it just a easy as monosexuals?  Get ready for a string of links, should I link health concerns specifically affecting bisexuals, or maybe a report on bisexual women more likely to be trapped in abusive relationships, or maybe about bigotry we get from the lesbian and gay communities?  I doubt if you’ll read any of those (and a few are just to earlier posts I’ve done here), but it’s safe to say that there are many problems that bisexuals face that monosexuals do not.

Then, of course, you give the tired old argument on what counts as a “phobia”, I’m not going to argue about that, but if you don’t like me talking about biphobia, just replace it with “bigotry directed at bisexuals”.

Then you give a completely out of context quote from a Huffington Post article, without even a link, a title, or an author, probably didn’t think anyone would check, did you?  But I think it’s safe to say your quote wasn’t the point of the article, and that you completely missed the point Amy Andre was trying to make.

Despite your claims, bisexuals do not care if you “shower us with praise”, or complement us on being “open-minded”, but here you are writing about how we should not be taken seriously.  You have a choice, either accept us as we claim to be or leave us alone.  That’s about all we can ask from someone who thinks an image from “Dancing With the Stars” is an actual point.

2. You think we are following a “trend”

I’m not at all sure where you get this bullshit that bisexuality is “trendy”, it’s really funny that you actually bring up Lady Gaga given how many times she’s had to come out as bisexual, only to have her bisexuality erased.  And even if people are coming out because they see famous bisexuals come out, that doesn’t mean they aren’t bisexual.  It just means that seeing others come out made it easier for them.

3. You claim we are promiscuous

Your evidence, another Return of The Kings writer listed “claiming to be bisexual” as a sign a woman is a slut.   So, you believe that bisexuals are promiscuous because a straight man tells you so.  I’m not sure if I should tell you to read up on circular logic or confirmation bias.

Plus, you right for Return of The Kings, since when is being promiscuous a bad thing on that site?

4. The classic claim that we cannot be monogamous

Are you saying that someone who finds both redheads and brunettes attractive can’t be monogamous?   But if you end up with a ginger, won’t you miss dark hair?

What you seem to not understand is that being attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean you have to act on it.   And if you enter any relationship, no matter what the orientation of you or your partner, you should have the discussion about the rules of what you can do with others.   I’ve met bisexuals that thought their partner going to a strip club was cheating, and I’ve met straight people that belonged to swinger clubs.  There is nothing about being bisexual that makes you non-monogamous, and there is nothing about being monosexual that makes you monogamous.


That was the sound of me banging my head on my desk, which is what I did when I first read this.  You bring up that GOD DAMN Northwestern University study.  The entire bisexual community hates that study, it was poorly designed, did nothing to find actual bisexuals to study (they advertised in gay magazines for example), and was eventually redone better with a completely opposite result.

And you even misrepresent the study, you claim it was “recent”, it was published in 2005, and you claim that it measured the men’s hormonal responses, it actually measured erections.

I’m trying to figure out if you didn’t know anything about the study or just thought that your readers would just accept what you claim.




To Rob Haskel: regarding Cara Delevingne on Childhood, Love Life, and Modeling – Vogue

Dear Biphobe,

On June 19, 2015 and article by you, Rob Haskel, was published in Vogue.  This article was a profile of Cara Delevingne, and for the most part it was as much of a fluff piece as that would indicate.  But then near the end of the article you wrote two awful paragraphs.


Cara says she felt confused by her sexuality as a child, and the possibility of being gay frightened her. “It took me a long time to accept the idea, until I first fell in love with a girl at 20 and recognized that I had to accept it,” she explains. “But I have erotic dreams only about men. I had one two nights ago where I went up to a guy in the back of a VW minivan, with a bunch of his friends around him, and pretty much jumped him.” Her parents seem to think girls are just a phase for Cara, and they may be correct. “Women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall. I have only been hurt by women, my mother first of all.

I’ve bolded the most offensive parts here.  It is never a good thing to refer to someone’s current sexuality as “just a phase”, and only acceptable to refer to someone’s history when that’s the way they refer to it and they give you permission.  But I’d give you the benefit of the doubt with that given that you are only reporting her parents attitude, but then you confirm that you agree with them, or at least say the may be correct.  The one is you reporting on the elder Delevingne’s biphobia , the other is agreeing with them.  Just one more comment on this, do you realize how many 22 year old people can say  “Women are what completely inspire me, and they have also been my downfall.”?  Because that would be almost all straight men, lesbian women, and quite a few bisexuals of any gender.

On to the second offensive paragraph,

“The thing is,” she continues, “if I ever found a guy I could fall in love with, I’d want to marry him and have his children. And that scares me to death because I think I’m a whole bunch of crazy, and I always worry that a guy will walk away once he really, truly knows me.” When I suggest to Cara that to trust a man, she might have to revise an old and stubborn idea of hers—that women are perennially troubled and therefore only women will accept her—her smile says she concedes the point.

Before I say anymore to you, I’d like your permission to say a few words to her,

Ms. Delevingne,

It’s perfectly normal for someone in the early 20’s to think that they are “a whole bunch of crazy”, and that goes for everyone, men, women, and everything in between.  The key to making any relationship last is accepting the ways your partner is crazy, and in exchange, they accept your craziness.

Thank you, now back to you, Mr. Haskell.  Do I really have to say anything about you taking a smile as an agreement? I hope you can accept that a smile is not agreement.  As to the res, I really can’t tell if you are being biphobic (by assuming that she will and should end up with a man) or misogynistic (if she was currently dating a man, would you suggest how she could “trust a woman”?). It really is a bit of both isn’t it? The question is, are you one of the “bisexuality isn’t real” biphobes? or one of the “she’s just doing it for attention” biphobes?  I’ll try to answer so it doesn’t matter.  You are not there to give her advice, you are there to let Vogue’s readers know a bit about the person on the cover.  Just to let you know, you are not just giving unsolicited advice to the young lady you are profiling, you are giving unsolicited advice to every young bisexual women who reads your words.  And that is why I’m writing this open letter, I want to give advice to not only you, but to everyone who might think the same way you do about bisexuals.

Now, to my advice as to what you need to do now.  I think step one is obvious, as I’m sure you know, there is a petition asking Vogue to apologize, and that is a great idea.  You need to apologize, to Ms. Delevingne, to the bisexual community, and to St. Vincent (her girlfriend if you forgot).  If you really want to get a head start on being forgiven, you could actually sign the petition yourself.  That would do a lot to get people to accept that you are remorseful.  Then you can try to improve things, ask your editor if you can do a series of articles on prominent bisexual women, this would force you to learn more about bisexuals and project and image that you, and your magazine are trying to improve yourselves.

Or, you could continue on the path you are currently, and receive regular letters like this, until Vogue gets tired and lets you “find other opportunities”

Here’s hoping you make the right choice.


via Cara Delevingne on Childhood, Love Life, and Modeling – Vogue.

Dear Dan Savage, about Episode 444 – Men of the cloth. | Savage Lovecast

Dear Biphobe,

You just can’t resist jumping up and down on landmines can you?  Which I find really strange here because you start this episode of your podcast talking about Bruce Jenner (this was before the Vanity Fair’s piece where she identifies as Caitlyn Jenner) and the issues of gender identity, pronouns, and orientation.  You handled that so well that it hit me really bad when you answered a question from a straight ally that he should “go crazy” and eat the “bi pussy”.  Then you tell him that he might even get laid, because there will be bisexual women there.

Now, I would think that most people, especially those in the LGBT movement, would know what’s wrong with this.  But just in case I’ll try to explain everything wrong here.

  1. You should have just stopped with “don’t eat the pussy, it’s not for you”.  That still wouldn’t have been great, as the only person who can tell you if a set of genitals is for you is the owner of said genitals.
  2. There is no such thing as “bi pussy”, there are bisexuals that have pussy’s, but by saying “bi pussy” you are contributing to the objectification of bisexual women.
  3. When you tell him that he “might even get laid” you’re perpetuating the myth that bisexual women are always sexually available to men.
  4. Bisexual women who do go to Pride events are not there looking for men.  From my experience most are not looking for any sexual partners, but if I’m wrong and there are women looking for some happy naked fun time then they are looking for it from other women, and not straight men.
  5. This straight ally didn’t even suggest that he was interested in sexual experiences at Pride, so there’s no reason for you to even bring it up.

So, what should you do now?  How can you fix this?

As I tell most people who accidentally say something biphobic, and I do believe that you didn’t intend to be biphobic here, the first step is to apologize.  Tell the bisexual women out there that you were wrong to indicate to a straight guy that it was okay to hit on them at a Pride event.  Matter of fact you should apologize to all women for leading some men into thinking they could meet women at Pride.  I understand that you thought you were being inclusive with your “bi pussy” comment, but this sort of objectification is one of the worst bits that bisexual women have to deal with.

I understand you are trying to improve, but until you start treating bisexuals as actual people, and not just genitals, you will not be forgiven by the bisexual community.  I continue to enjoy your column and podcast and agree with most of your advice.  Hopefully you’ll take my advice and we can mend fences.

Thank you,


via Episode 444 – Men of the cloth. | Savage Lovecast.

Dan Savage gets real close to giving a good answer, and then ruins it

Dear Biphobe,

Dan, in the March 25, 2015 edition of your “Savage Love” column you received the following question

I found this in an online sex ad: “Straight guy with an addiction to massive cocks in my ass.” This “straight guy” went on to mention his girlfriend. Can a person really identify as straight while wanting to be fucked by men? I understand that straight guys can like ass play too, but it’s not like he wants to be pegged by his girlfriend or use a dildo on himself. He’s straight-up (heh-heh) looking for hung dudes to fuck his ass.

Jaded And Wondering, Dude’s Really On Pussy?

Your response to JAWDROP comes really close to being perfect.  Though personally I would have started by asking why JAWDROP cared, but that’s really not important at this point.  Let’s talk about your response;

Can a person identify as straight while wanting to be fucked by men? Ha-ha-ha. Yes. I was pretending to be straight when I was 15, Pastor Ted “Meth and Man Ass” Haggard was pretending to be straight when he was 45, and Congressman Aaron Schock is still pretending to be straight.

Yes, there are many people that pretend to be straight while on the down low.  I will point out that Ted Haggard has actually came out as Bisexual, and as far as I know the claim that Congressman Schock is Gay really comes down to him posting some shirtless pictures online.  Under that argument Vladimir Putin is Gay.

As for the guy behind that online sex ad: He is most likely bisexual and rounding himself down to straight. There’s a much smaller chance he’s straight and it isn’t the massive cocks that turn him on, JAWDROP, but the boundary-shattering/identity-upending violation that being pounded by massive cocks represents. It could also be a “forced bi” thing, and he’s doing this to please a dominant girlfriend.

This is the part that comes close to perfect, you acknowledge that he might be Bisexual and you accept that there may be other reasons that a straight man might want to have sex with other men.  And then you have to ruin this with an aside;

Or—and this is a lot likelier than straight or forced bi—he’s a gay guy who pretends to be a straight guy online because the ruse attracts gay and bi guys turned on by the boundary-crossing/identity-upending violation that shoving their massive cocks up a straight guy’s ass represents.

You had to go there didn’t you?  You had to say that you think that he’s a Gay guy pretending to be straight.  You had to ruin your awesome response with this.  And, in my opinion anyway, it’s only the aside that ruins this.  Let’s read it again without the offending comment

Or he’s a gay guy who pretends to be a straight guy online

That would have been fine, the only way that could have been better is if you would have added a “or Bisexual” after “gay” there.  You made your point, you would have even made your biphobic fans happy because they would have read that as you saying that all men who have sex with men are Gay.  But you had to add in that you think it’s more likely that he’s lying to everyone.  Hopefully you understand why, given your history, that you might want to resist that urge in the future.

Though I do have to hand it to you, you ended it just right

Only way to know for sure: Ask him yourself. No guarantee you’ll get a straight answer, of course, but only he knows for sure what’s up with him.

Yes, the only person who can tell you what label they are comfortable with is that person.  And does anything else really matter, unless it affects you personally (and it really doesn’t affect JAWDROP either way) you should assume people are telling the truth.

So, you gave a response to someone that started well, ended good, and had 11 words in the middle that shouldn’t have been there.

I’ll give you a B- grade on this one, big improvement for the days where you would have never even used the word “Bisexual”, or only used it to claim that it’s only a stepping stone to being Gay, but you still have a lot of room for more improvement.

To Hat, of Adventures in Gay

Dear Biphobe,

You recently sent out a tweet,

Now, this is usually the type of casual biphobia and I’ll just send a message telling you to what I think of it and move on.  But then you went on to try to excuse it.  First you tried “it was a joke”, a brave, but stupid move that most bigots try at some point.  Even at this point I wasn’t going to write this letter, then I saw this,

allow me to puntificate

adventures in gay is rooted almost entirely in sexuality and humor, two of the three most subjective aspects of human existence (the third being morality).
I wake every morning and try to make everyone around me laugh but I understand, that by nature of comedy, this isn’t always going to be the case.

I have seen the good firsthand that can come from laughter. When two individuals or sides are arguing, get them both laughing and a resolve will materialize much quicker. When we laugh we begin to realize how trivial the things we argue about are. That is how I approach my life, I refuse to take myself or my sexuality seriously and I encourage others to do the same. If I was worried about offending others, I wouldn’t be able to live an openly gay life.

I’m fortunate enough to work in animation, a community so diverse, welcoming and kind, that we are able to joke about things of all natures (religion, orientation, race) because quite frankly they aren’t issues to us. I genuinely wish everyone has an opportunity to experience living in such an environment.

Oh and also… it was a pun (I guarantee if you were hanging out with your friends and one of them said that, you would laugh). Lighten up people. Life is much easier when you laugh.

Love Hatthew

There’s quite a bit here that is questionable, like you think that jokes about other’s race or beliefs are funny, but that’s something others will have to deal with.  This letter is intended to explain to you why many Bisexuals found your “joke” offensive and give suggestions to move forward.  But here in this defense of your tweet you start by admitting that humor is subjective then by the end you are telling us that we would laugh at it if our friends had said it.   I hope that I don’t have to explain why both those statements can’t be true.  If humor is subjective there’s no way to guarantee that there is any joke every one would laugh at, and vice versa. I know the latter is not true in my case.  If a friend of mine, even if they were Bisexual, called me an “onmi-whore” I would tell them that I didn’t find that funny, indeed I found it offensive.  Thing is, most of my friends would apologize and we would move on.  I do wonder how you react when you hear someone use the term “gay” to mean “lame”, I’m sure most of them would say to lighten up if you told them to stop.

Just in case you’ve missed it, the reason we found your original offensive is that one of the biggest criticisms of Bisexuality is that many think we are more promiscuous than monosexuals.  By calling Bisexuals whores, and omni-whores at that, you’re perpetuating the myth that Bisexuals will have sex with anyone, which isn’t even true of the sex workers that I’m guessing would also be offended by your words. (Any sex worker rights activist out there want to tell me otherwise?)

One more thing for me to bring up before getting to my suggestions on moving forward, in your various back and forth posts you say  “I guess the two relationships I’ve had with bi guys don’t amount to anything…”.  I’m always surprised how often this comes up, just because you had sex with someone doesn’t give you the right to say anything you want about them.  No matter how many people of color you know it’s not okay to use the “N word”, no matter how many women you know it’s not okay to use misogynistic language, and no matter how many Bisexuals you know it’s not okay to use biphobic terms.  And in each of these cases you should listen to member of the group if they tell you what you said was offensive.

Now on to my suggestions on how to move forward.

  1. Apologize, and try to make if a real apology.  Remember there’s a difference between “I’m sorry I offended you” (acceptable) and “I’m sorry you were offended” (not so much)
  2. Don’t respond to anyone posting anything about it.  Much of this happened on Tumblr, which tends to have an odd memory.  It either forgets things in a few days or pulls things up from months back, if you try to defend yourself all you’ll do is bring it into everyone’s memory and we’ll have to do it all again.
  3. Stick to making jokes about groups you belong to.

When I first saw your comics I really enjoyed them, and have found much of your work on YouTube also very funny, I’m hoping you listen to my suggestions and I can get back to laughing with you rather than having you laugh at us.

Thank you for listening,


Biphobia in the pansexual community

I’ve pondered writing a letter to the Pansexual community, but this says it better than I could.


Sali Owen (twitter: @SaliWho) writes:

As awareness of non-binary gender identities has developed, some members of the queer community have chosen to identify as pansexual rather than bisexual. Pansexuality is sometimes defined as attraction to people of all genders, which is also the experience of many bisexual people. More often than not, however, people define their pansexuality in relation to bisexuality. In response to the question: “What does pansexual mean?” I’ve seen countless people reply: “I’m attracted to people of more than two genders. Not bisexual.” The implication is that bisexual means binary attraction: men and women only.

Since I came out in the late 90s, I haven’t seen one bi activist organisation define bisexuality as attraction solely to men and women. Bi and trans* issues began to grow in recognition at the same time. When I use ‘bi’ to refer to two types of attraction, I mean attraction to…

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The First Open Letter to Dan Savage

I keep thinking that I should write about Dan Savage’s biphobia, but there is just so much of it I wasn’t sure were to start.  So rather than try to go through all of it I’m just going to comment on this gem Mr. Savage did while promoting his book “American Savage

Dear Biphobe,

I would really like to start this letter by pointing out this video I’m responding to starts with a viewer question,

DanSavagei'mnotbiphobic DanSavagei'mnotbiphobic2

a question which doesn’t really get answered.  The implied answered is either “no, I’m just as ignorant about Bisexuality as I ever was” or possibly “yes, my understand has changed, I have an even more negative view toward Bisexuals” but the actual question isn’t even addressed.   What was the point of asking a question if it just gets ignored in favor of the standard blaming of Bisexuals for biphobia.  But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since this isn’t on the official Dan Savage YouTube channel and assume that someone of The Dish Blog channel added this without telling you what the actual question was.  I’ll just say they asked you what you would like to say to people that call you biphobic, or something like that.  But now lets deal with what you, Dan Savage, actually say in this video.

Right off the bat you give the standard line about gay men using Bisexuality as a stepping stone to coming out.  Even if that is true there are many reasons not to question the orientation of those young Bisexual men.  Indeed just the opposite, let me ask you, and and other gay guy who first came out as Bisexual a question.  When you identified as Bisexual, would someone telling you that you were really Gay help you to come out as Gay?  Or would it have just driven you back into the closet?  Now I’m to ask you to think like a young Bisexual man for a moment and answer those questions from that point of view.  Because I will tell you my answers, because it actually happened to me.  When I was 18-22 years old I was questioning my  sexuality (I was a bit of a late bloomer), I would occasionally talk to my friends about this.  When I stated that I thought I was Bisexual, the reactions I got ranged between calling Bisexuals “confused” to telling me to my face that men can’t be Bisexual.  About the best response I got at the time was from a lady that told be that if I identified as Bisexual I would not be accepted by either Gay or Straight society.  Given that at the time I was in a serious relationship with a woman I knew I wasn’t Gay, so this biphobia did drive me back into the closet.  It was roughly 15 years later that I was finally able to come out, only after I didn’t care what others thought.  That’s right, attitudes like yours caused me to stay in the closet for over a decade.

The next thing you say causes my blood pressure to seriously spike, because you double down on your biphobia and claim that this is evidence that you are not biphobic.  The line in question is ” you meet somebody who’s 15, 16, 17 is old me tell you that there bi there are meted by a little voice in back you have goes yeah so was I you don’t say that out loud but you think”.  Okay, my problem with this argument, which you and a lot of your fans seem to like, is you are saying it right now!  You are a public figure who is often listed as a LGBT activist (even though you seem to only care about the “G” part) so every time you say that you assume that teenage Bisexuals aren’t really Bisexual you are telling that to current young Bisexuals.   The only way you can deny that is if you think that no young Bisexuals listen to you, and that is just idiotic.

What you don’t seem to understand here is it’s not the fact that some Gay men use the Bisexual label as a tool to help them coming out isn’t why people call you biphobic, it’s the fact that you continue to push this idea that unless you directly attack Bisexuals you are not biphobic.  I know you won’t get this so lets use an example from your history, when Rick Santorum equated Gay sex with bestiality he was not attacking any individual homosexual, and he even clearly said ” I have no problem with homosexuality”.  But what he said was clearly homophobic, and I’m sure you would agree.

You then start in about talking about the idea that anyone in a relationship a different gender “disappears into default Heterosexuality”, now I won’t go on for a long time about this, but I will state that people assuming that Bisexuality is a phase is what causes this problem.  Not Bisexuals getting into relationships, and maybe if more Gay activists like you would remind people that people should be able to label themselves things would improve.

And can you please just shut up about that Northwestern Study, you seem to think that only by being as biphobic as you did they “prove” bisexuality exists.  When there were many other problems with that study.   The first study was done with subjects found through advertisements in Gay magazines and in Gay bars, hardly the best place to find Bisexual men, but it is a great way to find Gay men that will tell researchers that they are Bi to pick up a little money.  But all that aside, I’ve got a question for you on that study.  How would you react to someone trying to prove that Gay men actually exist?  Even the fact that the study ever happened is biphobic, no other sexuality is ever studied to see if it actually exists. But better writers than I have spent entire posts tearing about both studies.

But my real problem with your stance that you continue is that you still argue that it’s not biphobic to assume that young Bisexual men are lying, and that is either damaging or pointless.  If they are not lying you are telling them that they will be seen as a Gay unless they can prove they are Bisexual, and if they are lying (i.e. they are actually Gay) you are trying to take away the tool you admit you used to help your coming out process.  

WOW, you really have the balls to pull the “I have Bi friends” BS.   Do I really have to explain how being friends with someone doesn’t give you a get out of bigotry card?  Racists can have Black friends, misogynists can have women friends,  homophobes can have Gay friends, and biphobes can have Bisexual friends.  Just because you can treat people that you personally know with respect doesn’t mean you aren’t a bigot toward those you haven’t met.

Then you wrap this up with blaming Bisexuals for not being out.  You claim that you want Bisexuals to come out, that if we come out then things will get better for us all.  And this hypocrisy is what causes most people to call you a biphobe, you tell everyone that it’s okay to assume that Bisexuals are lying and then you tell us that we should be telling everyone we are Bisexual.   Those really don’t work, do you realize how hard it is to come out to people who don’t believe you?   If someone assumes everything you say is a lie you quit talking to them.  It’s as simple as that.

Now that I’ve tried to show how practically everything you say in this video is biphobic, I’d like to give you a little bit of advice to move forward.   How can you mend fences between you and the Bisexual community?

  1. Admit that at least some of what you have said in the past was biphobic and apologize.  Don’t try to justify it, don’t claim that everyone was saying the same things, just say “What I said in the past was biphobic, and I’m sorry that I perpetuated these stereotypes”  or something similar to that.
  2. Listen to the Bisexual community.   Maybe have someone from the Bisexual Resource Center or any of the other Bisexual Organizations on your podcast or maybe be a guest on a Bisexual podcast.
  3. Be prepared to apologize multiple times, you have a long history of being very negative toward Bisexuals.  It will take just as long, if not longer, to convince people that you have changed.
  4. Make it clear that it is harmful to question anyone’s self identification.

If you do these things, it will not erase what you have said in the past, but it will do quite a bit to convince people that your attitude has changed.

Thank you,